From a Familiar Place

Coming home after a trip is always like a breath of fresh air. No more car, no more stiff muscles. The ability to move around when I want to. I loved this last road trip. The guys I was with were great. The trip itself was wonderful. But in the back of my mind, it was racing with thoughts:

"How can I make a difference?"
"I want to be more godly. How do I become more godly?"
"I'm so wretched. How could God ever want to use such a wicked person?"
"Everyone thinks I am such a "good" person, but they don't see the evil lurking inside me."

I've been reading in the Psalms. God tells His people what to do. Its been great to see what God expects of me. But in the other side of the same coin, Its hard to see because I see just how far I fall short. This makes me so grateful for the cross. God sees me through the blood of Jesus Christ. He sees past my imperfections and see the nail scarred hands of Jesus.

I'm in the process of reading a book called Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire. Its a book about the Brooklyn Tabernacle church and its revival centered around prayer. Most people see me as someone who prays. And I do pray, but do my prayers reflect what I believe? More importantly, do I believe that the God I am praying can and will answer my prayers? That is big thing. I need to be believing that.

All I have to do is ask. God tell me ask and I will provide. God says He will provide for those whose hope is in Him. Is my hope in Him? I say it is. Well, its time to put my faith into action.

God,
I'm not good enough. I have nothing in me that is good. Help me to have a greater faith in You. Help me to live a life that is separate from evil and wickedness. Help me to better walk the walk I talk. Give me faith to pray to you every day! Not only pray, but pray believing that You will answer and provide in the way You see fit. I love you. You are my only hope. Help me to live every day to serve you more.
Love,
Your princess,
jessi

Imagine This

"Abraham was now old and well advanced in years, and the Lord had blessed him in every way."

Imagine having the Lord bless you in every way. God didn't just bless Abraham in his family or in his work. He blessed Abraham in everything. Why? In my study of Genesis, the only reason I can see for God blessing Abraham, was Abraham's obedience to the call of God on his life.

As I was thinking about this, my first thought was, "Man I wish God blessed me like this!" But as I sit here typing, a verse came to my mind. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places," Ephesians 1:3. I am blessed like Abraham. I just choose not to acknowledge it.

God,
Help me to acknowledge all the wonderful blessings You have given me. Help me to rest in all You have done for me.
Love,
Your daughter,
jessi

Prayer

I am embarking on a journey to discover the why and how of prayer. I am excited to see what God has to teach me through this situation.

God,
Please teach me all about prayer. Draw me near to You. Impress on my heart something that I can share with the students at church.
Love,
Your Daughter
Jessi

I Found the Words for What I am Feeling!

In the last few days, I have had this wonderful feeling of peace. I know its from God. I have this fire that I haven't really been able to describe until now.

I don't really know how long forever is,
but that's how long I'm gonna live my life.
Everuthing I face, it tries to tear me down.
No I won't back away from the sacrifice.
I won't forget what You're love means to me.
You're always there to light my way

When all the lights go down and the world is quiet
no one is around,
I wanna be the same man (woman) that will serve you then
like I serve you now.
That my convictions never change;
O let my need for You remain,
as real as the moment I was saved:
I will always stand amazed.

Sometimes my heart desires such selfish things.
When the moment comes, help me trust
something better You have for me.
If I could just hold on to You long enough.
I won't forget what You're love means to me.
You're always there to light my way

When all the lights go down and the world is quiet,
no one is around,
I wanna be the same man (woman) that will serve You then
like I serve You now.
That my convictions never change;
O let my need for You remain,
as real as the moment I was saved:
I will always stand amazed.

You will be my strength when I am weak.
When I wanna give in and not turn the other cheek,
let this be the prayer that I speak:

When all the lights go down and the world is quiet,
no one is around,
I wanna be the same man (woman) that will serve You then
like I serve You now.
That my convictions never change;
O let my need for You remain,
as reak as the moment I was saved:
I WILL ALWAYS STAND AMAZED

I want to always stand amazed at all that God has done for me.
End of story.

Gripped by His Grace,
Jessi

The Hurt Before the Healing

I have sat down numerous times to write this post. It's been hard coming. Normally, I can just sit down and write, but lately, nothing has been coming. Its not because there is nothing there, because it has been on my mind constantly.

So here it goes. . .
The more I think about life, the more life I live, the more I realize how little I know. I want to be different. I want people to see me and wonder what or Who makes me differe. The more I desire that, the more I realize how truly wretched I am. When I look at myself through my eyes, all I see is sin, dirtiness, wickedness, the ugliness and the imperfections. Its so easy to focus on those things. Its what I see when I look at myself through my eyes. But then I remember: I am different! I have been redeemed. Jesus Christ died on the cross to pay for my sins; He died so I could LIVE!
I now have the Holy Spirit living inside me. That enables me to be different. It means I AM different! But only when I yield to the Spirits leading. Its such a hard thing to do. My flesh says, "Do what you want. Make yourself feel good. Ignore what is right and wrong. Do what you think is right." But my heart says differently. It says, "Be different. Let Christ rule in you and it will be far greater than what your flesh says." What a tug-of-war!

This summer has been far from easy. Now don't get me wrong, there were many fun times this summer. But my summer was mostly characterized by struggle and hurt. The summer started out great! I thought, for once, that I finally had most things under control. I was close to God, pretty close to my good friends, and I was making new friends a PBC. So I thought to myself, "I'm doing pretty good. Its been a while since I felt this good." Then the illusion came crashing down in one email. Things I thought had been taken care of had not been. Things I thought had been forgiven had not been.
It was an eye-opening email. It hurt me more than words could ever describe. But any of you who read this and know me, know that I did my absolute best to hide the pain I was in. Soon after I received the email, my attitude went down the toilet. I was snippy and surly and some days I was just down right mean. I was dealing with all the pain the best I knew how: to hide my pain and throw myself into serving even if my motives were wrong (which they were).
I've tried so hard to reconcile with that friend and to this day it hasn't happened. I pray every day that it will. God had to completely break me so that I would have no where else to go but to run crying into His arms and cry on His shoulder.
This summer, I learned forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a feeling, but an action. It is a conscious choice that I make even if I don't feel like forgiving. My feelings will follow my actions. My actions should not and must not be dictated by my feelings. I learned that God is the only one who can fill me. I know that I have run to others in the past to fill the "God shaped whole inside of me" and I know that was wrong. I must constantly be thinking of others before myself. Its not about me. First its all about Jesus, then others and then me.

I'm working on changing. Its not going to happen overnight. Slowly but surely, Jesus is changing me.

Late Night Thoughts of the Extremely Exhausted

Maybe God has taken them away from me so that I can have something better.

I can't imagine anything better than the two of them.

They were so loving and so kind.

They cared so much about me.

How could someone else ever care about me like that?

But God has put me here for a reason.

This has been so hard.

I think about them every day.

I pray for them every day.

Its so hard to forget someone you were so close to.

Little things remind me of the fun times I had with them.

Life is changing so quickly.

I am expected to make decisions for myself.

I'm scared to make a wrong decision.

I want to make good decisions, but in my fear I am making no decisions

I must continue to ask God for the strength to overcome my fear.

After all, He is bigger than all.

God, help me overcome my fears. Help me to lean on You for all I need. Allow me to use Your strength to be who You want me to be.

My theme song lately has become the song, "Best I Can" by Disciple. The second verse and chorus go like this: "Been thinkin about, its hard to see what You see in me. Could You lay it out for me? Been thinking about, this isn't the way that I thought it would be. When I can barely hold on, You promise You won't let me go. And I want You to know. That I don't live a perfect life, but God knows I trying the best I can. And I have wasted so much time pretending I'm not lying about who I am. And now I'm living the best I can. I'm breaking down and now I've found a reason to make it, this time around." This is a prayer of mine to God. I tell Him: "Some days I don't get what you see in me, but You can lay it out for me. I don't life a perfect life, but You know I am living the best I can.

This is really jumbled and unorganized but remember the title.

Gripped by His Grace

Seeing God Today

After church today, we went up to camp for lunch. I decided that instead of riding back with the rest of the girls, I would walk back to the Ransoms. It was a three mile hike. I decided that I would let Kyla and Heidi take me half the way so it ended up being a 1.5 mile hike. It was hot. I was all sweaty by the time I got back. But I saw God today. I looked up at the mountains and hills and all the beautiful scenery and I was just in awe. The God of the universe made everything my eyes can see, yet He still loves and cares for me. He sent His Son to die so that I could live with Him forever in Heaven.

I am blessed beyond measure

The Prayer of a little child of God

Father,

I hurt. You know that. You know all my hurts. I want to do what You want me to do. I need You more than ever right now. I love them so much. I just want them to know that. You know that. I never meant for things to get this messed up. Teach me to be more like You. Chisel me until there is nothing left but You. I want people to look at me and see You. I love you. I want to be like You. I want to have only You flowing from inside me.

Please help me. Only You can do this. Only You can look inside and change me from the inside out.

PLEASE LORD HELP!

Your daughter,

Jessi

Jumbled Thoughts of A Child of God

Have you ever wondered, "Do I really KNOW the God I serve? Do I really KNOW this savior that died for me? I want to know my God."

This thought has come to my mind many, MANY times in the last 4 days. I know I am saved. I know many things about God, but do I truly KNOW God. I want to truly know my God. I need to be striving to truly know Him.

God,
I want to know You more. I am scared. You know that. I just want to do the best I can for You. Maybe Rachel is right. Maybe I am trying to hard. God, I just want to do what You want me to do. I wish it was easy to find out. Help me to study Your Word this week. Help me to truly pray for your guidance. Help me to fall so much in love with You that everything I do flows from you. I want to know You. Help me to know you.
Love, Your daughter and servant,
Jessi

One More Chapter Completed

Last night, I graduated from college. Let me take you through the last week:

Saturday May 1, 2010:
I had my graduation Open House. Jenn, Bethany, Kristi and I drove in for it together and had a blast. Then, when we got back to La Grange, Jenn, Bethany and I went for a night just for us three. We had pizza and watched Ratatoullie (well part of it). We got tired so we went back to campus early. Bethany came in and rubbed my back and I went to sleep.

Sunday May 2, 2010
Great day of fellowship in Bridgeport. Fun times with friends. Exhausted though. A little fight with friends, but God worked through it. 2 hour talk with Bethany. Then next to no sleep (no meds).

Monday May 3, 2010
First final down. Clean bathrooms, talk with girls as they come in and out. Head to Chapel. Try to jump up 5 stairs. Epic fail, but fun. Measure all the tall boys (don't ask). Study all afternoon. Hand out with Jenn in the evening. Walk with Dale. Talk to Trish on the phone. Heart to heart with Bethany. Drugs to help sleep.

Tuesday May 4, 2010
I don't really remember the morning. Got upset at something stupid at lunch. Bethany took me to Cheyenne for the day, just me and her. We went to Barnes and Noble. We looked at books and journals and pictures. Then we went to the Bible Book Store. We just explored. Then we hit the mall. We went to F.Y.E and looked for a bit, then we hit up the pet store. I wanted to buy 3 puppies but my mom said no. Then the best part of the entire day. We went to Chick-Fil-A. The food was great but the conversation during the meal was the best. We talked like friends, not just problem sharing and how do we fix it but truly a personal conversation. It was wonderful. Then we went back to school. I went to my room and talked to Cait on the phone and God hit me with a 2X4. Then I felt a big weight lifted. One only God could lift.

Wednesday May 5, 2010
Sleep in. Ask forgiveness from a friend. Feel more weight lifted. Testimony Chapel. God is AWESOME! Then lunch, and an awesome game of duck duck GOOSE! It was narley cardio. Then some partial time with Bethany and Jenn, then Cait showed up. So I went with her for a bit. Then I came back and Bethany and Jenn were out cold on my bed. They were two extremely cute sleepers. Then I had AWANA awards. Great time!

Thursday May 6, 2010
Two finals and then a break down. Then sleep in Bethany's room for 2 hours. Lunch with Bethany, Mandy, and Cait. Then Mom, Grandma and Grandpa came for the senior dinner. We had a blast. Then I got "caught up" with Whit and Amy. Then a sister section activity. Then Bethany comes in for a good night session. I get scared want her to stay. She can't but then comes back and she Jenn and I had a sleep over.

Friday, May 7, 2010
An emotional rollercoaster. I graduated. I cried all afternoon. But then enjoyed the evening. Jenn, Kristi, Amy Bethany and I fell asleep on the couch watching Kung Fu Panda. I took meds and Bethany left and went to the bathroom and woke me up when she got back on the couch and they got a solid 30 minutes of entertainment. It was good.

Today, Saturday, May 8, 2010
Goodbyes. Tears. Missing friends but peace from God.

Through all this semester God has been teaching me. I have been learning through all the tough times. I pray that I continue to have rough times so I can grow more.

The last few days have been hard:

I fought her last night. I wasn't scared. I wanted more time with her. I don't remember what she said. The meds had taken effect. She told me I was fighting sleep. I just. . . I'm. . . I don't want to say-goodbye. I'm worried. I know I don't need her. I just want her. She has changed me for the better. She points me back to God. I need to learn how to point myself back to God. I've never had a friend like her. I hope we can stay close. Its going to be a challenge. God help me get through this.

Better than a halleljuah

I'm learning that God isn't always looking for praise. He wants an honest heart. Somedays, my heart hurts. Its just hard to praise Him. My heart cries out to God. My life is a mess right now. There is one thing I must cling to: God's everlasting arms are holding me up. Even though I cannot see the purpose for all the struggles in my life right now, I must remember that God is completely in control and He loves and cares for me. Life is hard. Loving people is hard. I am nothing without Christ. Through Him, I will come out on top of the depression, the broken relationships, the broken heart, and everything else.

"Pain touches everyone. Heartache falls on every heart. All of us go through the storms. It doesn't matter who you are. When you're up against the wind and you feel you've lost you're way, listen to me say: I loved you then. I love you now. I will love you tomorrow. When this world breaks you down, I will give you strength to stand. Look to Me. Take My hand and just believe, before this day ever began: I loved you then."

I love God. I want to serve Him where ever He wants me to. I want to love people. I want to change the world for Christ.

"I want to leave a legacy. How will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to you enough to leave a make on things? I want to leave an offering. A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapolgetically: and leave that kind of legacy."

When Everything Falls Apart

Most recently, I have felt like my life has been falling apart. I've felt completely out of control. And shockingly, for the most part, I've been ok with it. I'm fine with the fact that I feel totally inadequate most days. I'm not saying I still don't struggle, because that would be a bold faced lie. I still have bad times, but they are shorter and farther between. I'm sleeping better now. (with meds, but I'll take it) I'm learning to let people love me. It's really hard sometimes, but I am slowly but surely getting there. God is so good to me. A song has been really important to me recently.

Its called Everything Falls by Fee.

You said You'd never leave or forsake me

You said this life is gonna shake me

You said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul, this I know

When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together

When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart

When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone, I find You mighty and strong

You keep holdin' on, You keep holdin' on

Sorrows may last for the night, but hope is rising with the sun, rising with the sun

There will be storms in this life, but you will overcome, you will over come

When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together

When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart

When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone, I find You mighty and strong

You keep holdin' on, You keep holdin' on

This song has been keeping me going. And the love of my godly friends.

Pain

Don't love me
Don't care about me
I'm not good for you.
You deserve so much more
I love you so much
I want to see you thrive in life
I just cause you undo stress.
I am too clingy
I am too distant
Where is the balance
How do I continue
I hate this feeling

Completely and Utterly Confused

What am I supposed to do/How do I deal with this confusion/I still love them/But I don't want to love them/They hurt me/They hurt me really bad/I thought after talking about it last night, I was ok/I'm not ok/I can't be around them/It hurts too much/I don't want to see them/Its hard when we are at the same school/How do I forgive them/I wish this had never happened/I've never been hurt this bad by someone I trusted so much/And never by this many people at once/I want to forgive them/God help me forgive them/GOD PLEASE HELP ME/

Confessions of a Breaking Heart

I thought they loved me/I thought they cared/but apparently I am just a hindrance to them/Never again/I don't know how to make friends/I wish I did/I'm tired of getting hurt/I'm tired of pouring everything I am into people only to be shut down and shoved away/I want to be a hermit/I want to run far, far away from here/I want life to be less crappy than it is/I want to be happy again/I can't remember the last time I was truly happy/I am so tired/I'm hurt/I can't live like this anymore/I hurt so bad/Wounds from a friend cannot be trusted/

Rants of the Clinically Depressed

I can't handle my life anymore
I'm a jerk
Why does anyone like me
Let alone love me
I don't deserve anyone
They shouldn't have to deal with me
The only one who should have to deal with me, is me

Why do they keep coming back
They should know I am not good for them
If they wanted life to be better, they shouldn't come back
I'm not sure how anyone could love someone as off balance as me

I know God loves me

A Thankful Heart

As I look back over the past months, I see many things. I see hurt, intense pain, sorrow, happy days, love, God's love, God's mercy, God's grace, and most of all God's strength. I am so incredibly blessed. So I've decided with this post, I am going to just bullet list all of the things I am thankful for.

• God loves me.
• I have friends, Bethany, Jenn, Lucinda, Nathan, Dale, Adam, Chris, Abby, Bethany E, who love me. They won't leave me. Even when I tell them too. They fight for me.
• Bethany: You willingly give of yourself constantly. You sit with me until 3 or 4 in the morning so I can sleep. You hold me when I am breaking. God has used you mightily in my life.
• Jenn: You offer yourself to help me in whatever way you can. You understand exactly what I am going through. Even when I don't.
• Lucinda and Nate and Dale: Thank you for losing sleep for me. Thank you for all your prayers. Your encouragement has been invaluable.
  
• I am relatively healthy
• God holds me in His everlasting arms.
• God gives me the strength to get through even the darkest of days.
• He showers me with love.
• God shows me mercy.
• God has been faithful to grow me to be more like Him.

I've learned so much. Most recently, its been how much people mean to me. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder

From One of My Favorite Places

The past week has been intense. Thursday: I was hurt. I needed to break down, but I wouldn't let myself. "Its ok not to be strong," she said, "Let it go. Don't hold it in." "Too many people are counting on me to be strong," I said. "No, they don't. Let it go." "I have too much to do." "I'll be here when you are ready to breakdown. I can't make you break down or solve this, but I will be here to hold you when you come crashing down." "I'm ready." "I'll hold you." Friday: "I'm done." "Please don't." "I don't know what else to do." Friday Night: "Thank God for you being able to take a breath." "I'm back up." Good ice cream with great friends. A long talk with a good friend. Locked out of my room. Lots of laughter when I get back in. Saturday: Early morning. Not much sleep. Great teaching under the Word of God. Wonderful worship of an awesome Savior. Good food with more great friends. Fellowship with a roommate. A trip with a friend to get meds. Then struggle. One friend is hurt. I talk to the friend that caused the hurt. Frustration ensues. "I want space" "Fine. You take your space. Come find me when you are done." I tell the first friend. "Its all my fault." "No its not" "I messed up and hurt you both. I'll leave. Just forget I existed." "We will not." Sunday: All day in bed hurting. "I love you so I am going to leave you." "Come see us." Sit in the hallway. Ashamed. Scared to face them. They come into the hall. My head hangs. "There is no reason to hang your head." Intense fighting. I tried to get away. "I don't deserve to be loved" "I will not let you go," she says, "Get up off the floor. I will help you. Let's get you to bed. I love you. I have to go work on homework." Intense fear takes over. "Please don't leave me. I'm so scared. Please don't leave me," I cry. "I have to go take care of somethings, but I will be back." She comes back. She sits with me til I fall asleep. Late night. Monday: Struggle to keep my head up. Rest in her room. I come back up. I actually sleep, alone. Tuesday: Great start to the day. Issues with authority. Tears. Call to mom. Head to the doc. Good report. Fun time in town with a good friend. Dinner with another good friend. A walk with another good friend. A talk with 2 more good friends. A game of pool with another good friend. Hanging out with 2 other good friends. Fear in the night once again. No sleep. Wednesday: Struggles again. Spend morning in bed. Hurt. Begin to come up. Fall down again. Work on WTW1 message. Avoid bed. Spend time studying with the roommate. Listen to old school music. Fear of bed once again. Feel like a toddler. She comes in once again. She sits with me until I fall asleep. She encourages me, "You are doing great. You will make it. Everything is going to be fine. You will be ok." Thursday: Still scared. Not wanting spring break to start. Really clingy. Many hugs. "You will be fine. You will get through this. Everything will be fine," she says. She gives me her teddy bear. I sleep alone for 15 minutes with the light on. Now at my favorite place. In the chair resting. Missing my friends, but doing ok. Its going to be a long week.

Ramblings of the Desperately Confused

I love them/I don't want to hurt them/They say I don't/I cause confusion/I am lost/I love them more than I love myself/I would do anything for them/I wish they didn't love me/I want them to be happy/They shouldn't have to deal with me/Night time is so dark/My dreams are haunted/Sleep avoids me/Nights are scary/Am I 5 again/I want to have someone next to me/It helps me sleep/Someone can't sit with me every night/I can't expect someone to sit with me til 4 every morning when I can fall asleep/I have to sleep at night/So do they/How do I deal with this by myself/I want to be a big girl/I should be able to sleep in my own bed/By myself/I'm tired/The doctor says I'm getting better/I've noticed I'm getting better/I want to sleep/I want to sleep by myself/I don't want to want touch/I enjoy being held/I like feeling someone else beside me/I know God is always there/Sometimes, I need someone with skin on/

Confessions of a Hurting Heart

Intense anger/hurt between friends/a reconciliation/loving touches/beautiful smiles/we need to talk/why did you flip out/people have been riding me/i feel left out/silence/silence/intense hurt/i don’t know what to say/well just so you know/exit center stage/intense pain/we need a break/i need space/what will that accomplish/i don’t know/i don’t want to hurt anymore/i’m sorry i hurt you/i don’t know what to say/where do we go from here/we don’t go anywhere/me and God have to go from here/where does that leave me/how do i deal with this pain/i love her/how do i love her from a distance/how do i hide my hurt from her/i don’t want her to see me in this pain/i want to hide it/she knows me too well/the its a vicious cycle/she hurts so i hurt/i hurt so she hurts/when does it end/too much hurt/immense struggle/what do i do/i don’t know where to go from here/why do i love/why do i care so much for her/she deserves better than me/i don’t deserve her/she is too good to me/i’m not good to her/how do i change this/i can’t change this/God i need your help/i want out of this pain/pain helps me to grow/i want to grow/conflicting interests/HELP/I NEED GOD’S HELP/I NEED YOUR HELP/PLEASE DEAR GOD HELP ME/I NEED YOU NOW/i need touch/i need to feel someone’s arms around my hurting and broken body/the pain and hurt is overwhelming/i’ve never been in this much pain/i’d rather hurt physically than be in this much mental pain/wounds from a friend can be trusted/

Lessons that a Servant of God is Learning

Its 1:30 on Saturday morning March 6, 2010. The theme of the last 8 months has been intense stretching. Many things have taken place. I have been stretched to the point of almost snapping. I have been broken by God. I am now completely shattered. God is teaching me so many lessons. It is so overwhelming. Learning to become an adult is a hard business. But God is faithful through everything He brings my way.

I’m learning how to pray. I am learning that it doesn’t have to be pretty. I’m learning its ok to literally cry out to God in utter desperation. Crying out to God is powerful. Often I’m so hurt that I don’t know how to put together a pretty prayer. God hears all my prayers, not matter what the wording. Crying out, “Oh God, I can’t help her. Please do what I can’t. . . ,” is just as good as, “Righteous heavenly Father, I bring before Your throne of Grace so and so. . .” God hears both. I cry out in the desperation of my hurting heart and God hears my prayers. Jesus as the mediator and He can unscramble my jumbled words.

I’m learning to be selfless. I am such a selfish person. I do not look out for the needs of others like I should. I do not sacrifice for the good of others near enough. My own comfort needs to mean nothing to me. I am learning that sleep, while I do need it, is not a necessity when I have a friend who needs to talk until 2 in the morning. Or my own wants must be put aside when someone else needs something or needs someone to talk to. Selflessness is a trait I desire. I want to live a selfless life.

I’m learning to read God’s Word. Not, just read it to say I read it, but truly read it to gain something from it. I am learning how powerful it is. It truly does change lives. I’ve seen it time and time again. I always get something out of it. The Word of God will never return void. I am constantly changed by it, that is when I allow the Holy Spirit to convict me and I move on that conviction. I’m learning how much it can encourage a hurting soul, lift up the broken, give peace to the restless and hope to the hopeless.

I’m learning what it means to be a true friend, even when it hurts. Friendship is about give and take. Its about loving someone so much that you are willing to do anything for them. Even if that means I don’t get something I want or need to fulfill something they want or need. Its about telling the truth when it hurts. Its about being willing to listen to the truth when it hurts. Its about being vulnerable, even when you are scared. Its opening up about deep issues and trusting that it won’t be thrown back in your face. Its about really listening to someone. Its about truly hearing what they have to say. Its knowing what they are saying when they say nothing at all. Its saying, “I will stand beside you. I will do everything in my power to help you through this. I know I can’t fix this, but I will stay right here by your side and hold you up. I will hold you literally and I will hold you up before the throne of Grace in prayer to our heavenly Father.” Its about thanking God daily for the wonderful friends He has placed in your life.

I’m learning what it truly means to be a follower of Christ. Its not just about my knowing and believing in His saving work on the Cross. Its about living a life that is honoring and pleasing to Him. Its about being faithful in the little things. Its about letting Christ reign supreme in my life. Its making Him my focal point.

I’m learning what it means to take things one day at a time. Some days, its one hour at a time. Other days, its one minute at a time. Taking things a week at a time or a big chunk at a time only harms me. Its when I take things one day at a time that I can truly enjoy what God had for me.

I’m learning not to worry. Worry hurts me more than it hurts anyone else. I am not to worry. I am to take it all to the Lord. He is the one who can carry it all. My arms aren’t big enough. His arms are everlasting. My heart is big, but His reaches as far as the east is from the west. My back is strong, but God’s back is all powerful and all mighty. He is the only one who can truly “fix” all the problems of the ones that I love.

I am learning to let go. Letting go is a big box. Letting go of the bitter feelings I have towards my dad. Being able to say, I am not going to put up my wall and not let anyone in. Allowing people to see my weaknesses. Its saying, “Guess what? I don’t have it all together all the time. It may seem like I do, but I do not.” Its being ok with not being ok. Its letting go of those that I love and placing them in God’s hands.

Most importantly of all are the small lessons: Its about love. Its about loving without abandon. Its about serving God with all my heart and soul and mind and strength. Its about caring for others. Its about letting the Spirit of God dwell in me and following its leading. Its about not giving up. Its about keeping my head held high eve n when I fail miserably. Its about looking for God in every situation. Its about looking to God in all circumstances. Its about trusting in the Faithful, Loving, Gracious, Merciful, Kind God to do all that He has promised. Its about meeting with Him daily in prayer and bible study. Its about the little things.

Hmm. . . This is really random.

I don't know any more. Meds on board for a week now. I'm more out-of-control than before. Emotions are so dumb. I never know if something should upset me or not upset me. I'm so emotionally unstable. I want stability. I long for stability. "Eventually" they say, "It will come." Eventually is not an actual time. I guess I have noticed a little change, well I didn't, Abby did. She says my moods are leveling out. I'm up longer and down shorter. I have had some good days this week and some bad. About the same number of each. Jenn and I are getting along great. I was finally up front with her, and it opened up a lot. I've been sick for a day. I'm so tired. Its no fun. I got in bed at 8:40 tonight. How lame? I was ready to crash at 8. I did not want too come to bed, but functioning out side of my bed is not an option right now. I'm tired of exhaustion. Where do I go from here? Been to this question so many times, multiple times in the past months, more like almost daily. It was so good to talk to Manda today. I've missed her so much. Absence does make the grow fonder. There is screaming in the hall way. I don't know what is going on. My head hurts. I'm confused. I'm talking to Cinda. I'm waiting for Bethany. I hope she can hold me tonight. I like being held. Never thought I'd say that. But I like it nonetheless. I like that word: nonetheless. Everyone has lost it. The dorm has been crazy this week. My room is really clean for this time of the week. My bed is comfy. My turtle is mostly naked. Lexi is only in her pink Hello Kitty underwear. I got bored so I decided to leave her partial naked. My tummy is making funny noises. I'm hungry. I put my Cars bed sheets back on my bed on Tuesday. I'm kind of cold. I'm excited about my woman's topical message. Its going to be good. I'm tired. I should go to sleep. But I know as soon as I lay my head down, my mind will run run run. I got a 105 on my Hebrews test. Could have gotten at 107 but I missed one. Classic over-achiever. I want to meet my standards. I have high standards. Maybe too high? I want to do well. I want to succeed. All I feel is failure. This is really long.

Mass Chaos

I feel like I live in a state of mass chaos. Constant uproar. No down time. No sleep. Epic failure in all I attempt. My heart constantly hurting and not being able to "fix" or even help.
My body is my enemy. It is constantly turning on me. Either I am sick or have terrible mood swings. I cannot win. It is always lose lose. I can't make anything work. Relationships are falling apart. My life is out of control. What do I do? I do not know. I'm at the end of the rope. There is no one underneath me. Where do I go from here?