From One of My Favorite Places

The past week has been intense. Thursday: I was hurt. I needed to break down, but I wouldn't let myself. "Its ok not to be strong," she said, "Let it go. Don't hold it in." "Too many people are counting on me to be strong," I said. "No, they don't. Let it go." "I have too much to do." "I'll be here when you are ready to breakdown. I can't make you break down or solve this, but I will be here to hold you when you come crashing down." "I'm ready." "I'll hold you." Friday: "I'm done." "Please don't." "I don't know what else to do." Friday Night: "Thank God for you being able to take a breath." "I'm back up." Good ice cream with great friends. A long talk with a good friend. Locked out of my room. Lots of laughter when I get back in. Saturday: Early morning. Not much sleep. Great teaching under the Word of God. Wonderful worship of an awesome Savior. Good food with more great friends. Fellowship with a roommate. A trip with a friend to get meds. Then struggle. One friend is hurt. I talk to the friend that caused the hurt. Frustration ensues. "I want space" "Fine. You take your space. Come find me when you are done." I tell the first friend. "Its all my fault." "No its not" "I messed up and hurt you both. I'll leave. Just forget I existed." "We will not." Sunday: All day in bed hurting. "I love you so I am going to leave you." "Come see us." Sit in the hallway. Ashamed. Scared to face them. They come into the hall. My head hangs. "There is no reason to hang your head." Intense fighting. I tried to get away. "I don't deserve to be loved" "I will not let you go," she says, "Get up off the floor. I will help you. Let's get you to bed. I love you. I have to go work on homework." Intense fear takes over. "Please don't leave me. I'm so scared. Please don't leave me," I cry. "I have to go take care of somethings, but I will be back." She comes back. She sits with me til I fall asleep. Late night. Monday: Struggle to keep my head up. Rest in her room. I come back up. I actually sleep, alone. Tuesday: Great start to the day. Issues with authority. Tears. Call to mom. Head to the doc. Good report. Fun time in town with a good friend. Dinner with another good friend. A walk with another good friend. A talk with 2 more good friends. A game of pool with another good friend. Hanging out with 2 other good friends. Fear in the night once again. No sleep. Wednesday: Struggles again. Spend morning in bed. Hurt. Begin to come up. Fall down again. Work on WTW1 message. Avoid bed. Spend time studying with the roommate. Listen to old school music. Fear of bed once again. Feel like a toddler. She comes in once again. She sits with me until I fall asleep. She encourages me, "You are doing great. You will make it. Everything is going to be fine. You will be ok." Thursday: Still scared. Not wanting spring break to start. Really clingy. Many hugs. "You will be fine. You will get through this. Everything will be fine," she says. She gives me her teddy bear. I sleep alone for 15 minutes with the light on. Now at my favorite place. In the chair resting. Missing my friends, but doing ok. Its going to be a long week.