The Hurt Before the Healing

I have sat down numerous times to write this post. It's been hard coming. Normally, I can just sit down and write, but lately, nothing has been coming. Its not because there is nothing there, because it has been on my mind constantly.

So here it goes. . .
The more I think about life, the more life I live, the more I realize how little I know. I want to be different. I want people to see me and wonder what or Who makes me differe. The more I desire that, the more I realize how truly wretched I am. When I look at myself through my eyes, all I see is sin, dirtiness, wickedness, the ugliness and the imperfections. Its so easy to focus on those things. Its what I see when I look at myself through my eyes. But then I remember: I am different! I have been redeemed. Jesus Christ died on the cross to pay for my sins; He died so I could LIVE!
I now have the Holy Spirit living inside me. That enables me to be different. It means I AM different! But only when I yield to the Spirits leading. Its such a hard thing to do. My flesh says, "Do what you want. Make yourself feel good. Ignore what is right and wrong. Do what you think is right." But my heart says differently. It says, "Be different. Let Christ rule in you and it will be far greater than what your flesh says." What a tug-of-war!

This summer has been far from easy. Now don't get me wrong, there were many fun times this summer. But my summer was mostly characterized by struggle and hurt. The summer started out great! I thought, for once, that I finally had most things under control. I was close to God, pretty close to my good friends, and I was making new friends a PBC. So I thought to myself, "I'm doing pretty good. Its been a while since I felt this good." Then the illusion came crashing down in one email. Things I thought had been taken care of had not been. Things I thought had been forgiven had not been.
It was an eye-opening email. It hurt me more than words could ever describe. But any of you who read this and know me, know that I did my absolute best to hide the pain I was in. Soon after I received the email, my attitude went down the toilet. I was snippy and surly and some days I was just down right mean. I was dealing with all the pain the best I knew how: to hide my pain and throw myself into serving even if my motives were wrong (which they were).
I've tried so hard to reconcile with that friend and to this day it hasn't happened. I pray every day that it will. God had to completely break me so that I would have no where else to go but to run crying into His arms and cry on His shoulder.
This summer, I learned forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a feeling, but an action. It is a conscious choice that I make even if I don't feel like forgiving. My feelings will follow my actions. My actions should not and must not be dictated by my feelings. I learned that God is the only one who can fill me. I know that I have run to others in the past to fill the "God shaped whole inside of me" and I know that was wrong. I must constantly be thinking of others before myself. Its not about me. First its all about Jesus, then others and then me.

I'm working on changing. Its not going to happen overnight. Slowly but surely, Jesus is changing me.