Completely and Utterly Confused

What am I supposed to do/How do I deal with this confusion/I still love them/But I don't want to love them/They hurt me/They hurt me really bad/I thought after talking about it last night, I was ok/I'm not ok/I can't be around them/It hurts too much/I don't want to see them/Its hard when we are at the same school/How do I forgive them/I wish this had never happened/I've never been hurt this bad by someone I trusted so much/And never by this many people at once/I want to forgive them/God help me forgive them/GOD PLEASE HELP ME/

Confessions of a Breaking Heart

I thought they loved me/I thought they cared/but apparently I am just a hindrance to them/Never again/I don't know how to make friends/I wish I did/I'm tired of getting hurt/I'm tired of pouring everything I am into people only to be shut down and shoved away/I want to be a hermit/I want to run far, far away from here/I want life to be less crappy than it is/I want to be happy again/I can't remember the last time I was truly happy/I am so tired/I'm hurt/I can't live like this anymore/I hurt so bad/Wounds from a friend cannot be trusted/

Rants of the Clinically Depressed

I can't handle my life anymore
I'm a jerk
Why does anyone like me
Let alone love me
I don't deserve anyone
They shouldn't have to deal with me
The only one who should have to deal with me, is me

Why do they keep coming back
They should know I am not good for them
If they wanted life to be better, they shouldn't come back
I'm not sure how anyone could love someone as off balance as me

I know God loves me

A Thankful Heart

As I look back over the past months, I see many things. I see hurt, intense pain, sorrow, happy days, love, God's love, God's mercy, God's grace, and most of all God's strength. I am so incredibly blessed. So I've decided with this post, I am going to just bullet list all of the things I am thankful for.

• God loves me.
• I have friends, Bethany, Jenn, Lucinda, Nathan, Dale, Adam, Chris, Abby, Bethany E, who love me. They won't leave me. Even when I tell them too. They fight for me.
• Bethany: You willingly give of yourself constantly. You sit with me until 3 or 4 in the morning so I can sleep. You hold me when I am breaking. God has used you mightily in my life.
• Jenn: You offer yourself to help me in whatever way you can. You understand exactly what I am going through. Even when I don't.
• Lucinda and Nate and Dale: Thank you for losing sleep for me. Thank you for all your prayers. Your encouragement has been invaluable.
  
• I am relatively healthy
• God holds me in His everlasting arms.
• God gives me the strength to get through even the darkest of days.
• He showers me with love.
• God shows me mercy.
• God has been faithful to grow me to be more like Him.

I've learned so much. Most recently, its been how much people mean to me. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder

From One of My Favorite Places

The past week has been intense. Thursday: I was hurt. I needed to break down, but I wouldn't let myself. "Its ok not to be strong," she said, "Let it go. Don't hold it in." "Too many people are counting on me to be strong," I said. "No, they don't. Let it go." "I have too much to do." "I'll be here when you are ready to breakdown. I can't make you break down or solve this, but I will be here to hold you when you come crashing down." "I'm ready." "I'll hold you." Friday: "I'm done." "Please don't." "I don't know what else to do." Friday Night: "Thank God for you being able to take a breath." "I'm back up." Good ice cream with great friends. A long talk with a good friend. Locked out of my room. Lots of laughter when I get back in. Saturday: Early morning. Not much sleep. Great teaching under the Word of God. Wonderful worship of an awesome Savior. Good food with more great friends. Fellowship with a roommate. A trip with a friend to get meds. Then struggle. One friend is hurt. I talk to the friend that caused the hurt. Frustration ensues. "I want space" "Fine. You take your space. Come find me when you are done." I tell the first friend. "Its all my fault." "No its not" "I messed up and hurt you both. I'll leave. Just forget I existed." "We will not." Sunday: All day in bed hurting. "I love you so I am going to leave you." "Come see us." Sit in the hallway. Ashamed. Scared to face them. They come into the hall. My head hangs. "There is no reason to hang your head." Intense fighting. I tried to get away. "I don't deserve to be loved" "I will not let you go," she says, "Get up off the floor. I will help you. Let's get you to bed. I love you. I have to go work on homework." Intense fear takes over. "Please don't leave me. I'm so scared. Please don't leave me," I cry. "I have to go take care of somethings, but I will be back." She comes back. She sits with me til I fall asleep. Late night. Monday: Struggle to keep my head up. Rest in her room. I come back up. I actually sleep, alone. Tuesday: Great start to the day. Issues with authority. Tears. Call to mom. Head to the doc. Good report. Fun time in town with a good friend. Dinner with another good friend. A walk with another good friend. A talk with 2 more good friends. A game of pool with another good friend. Hanging out with 2 other good friends. Fear in the night once again. No sleep. Wednesday: Struggles again. Spend morning in bed. Hurt. Begin to come up. Fall down again. Work on WTW1 message. Avoid bed. Spend time studying with the roommate. Listen to old school music. Fear of bed once again. Feel like a toddler. She comes in once again. She sits with me until I fall asleep. She encourages me, "You are doing great. You will make it. Everything is going to be fine. You will be ok." Thursday: Still scared. Not wanting spring break to start. Really clingy. Many hugs. "You will be fine. You will get through this. Everything will be fine," she says. She gives me her teddy bear. I sleep alone for 15 minutes with the light on. Now at my favorite place. In the chair resting. Missing my friends, but doing ok. Its going to be a long week.

Ramblings of the Desperately Confused

I love them/I don't want to hurt them/They say I don't/I cause confusion/I am lost/I love them more than I love myself/I would do anything for them/I wish they didn't love me/I want them to be happy/They shouldn't have to deal with me/Night time is so dark/My dreams are haunted/Sleep avoids me/Nights are scary/Am I 5 again/I want to have someone next to me/It helps me sleep/Someone can't sit with me every night/I can't expect someone to sit with me til 4 every morning when I can fall asleep/I have to sleep at night/So do they/How do I deal with this by myself/I want to be a big girl/I should be able to sleep in my own bed/By myself/I'm tired/The doctor says I'm getting better/I've noticed I'm getting better/I want to sleep/I want to sleep by myself/I don't want to want touch/I enjoy being held/I like feeling someone else beside me/I know God is always there/Sometimes, I need someone with skin on/

Confessions of a Hurting Heart

Intense anger/hurt between friends/a reconciliation/loving touches/beautiful smiles/we need to talk/why did you flip out/people have been riding me/i feel left out/silence/silence/intense hurt/i don’t know what to say/well just so you know/exit center stage/intense pain/we need a break/i need space/what will that accomplish/i don’t know/i don’t want to hurt anymore/i’m sorry i hurt you/i don’t know what to say/where do we go from here/we don’t go anywhere/me and God have to go from here/where does that leave me/how do i deal with this pain/i love her/how do i love her from a distance/how do i hide my hurt from her/i don’t want her to see me in this pain/i want to hide it/she knows me too well/the its a vicious cycle/she hurts so i hurt/i hurt so she hurts/when does it end/too much hurt/immense struggle/what do i do/i don’t know where to go from here/why do i love/why do i care so much for her/she deserves better than me/i don’t deserve her/she is too good to me/i’m not good to her/how do i change this/i can’t change this/God i need your help/i want out of this pain/pain helps me to grow/i want to grow/conflicting interests/HELP/I NEED GOD’S HELP/I NEED YOUR HELP/PLEASE DEAR GOD HELP ME/I NEED YOU NOW/i need touch/i need to feel someone’s arms around my hurting and broken body/the pain and hurt is overwhelming/i’ve never been in this much pain/i’d rather hurt physically than be in this much mental pain/wounds from a friend can be trusted/

Lessons that a Servant of God is Learning

Its 1:30 on Saturday morning March 6, 2010. The theme of the last 8 months has been intense stretching. Many things have taken place. I have been stretched to the point of almost snapping. I have been broken by God. I am now completely shattered. God is teaching me so many lessons. It is so overwhelming. Learning to become an adult is a hard business. But God is faithful through everything He brings my way.

I’m learning how to pray. I am learning that it doesn’t have to be pretty. I’m learning its ok to literally cry out to God in utter desperation. Crying out to God is powerful. Often I’m so hurt that I don’t know how to put together a pretty prayer. God hears all my prayers, not matter what the wording. Crying out, “Oh God, I can’t help her. Please do what I can’t. . . ,” is just as good as, “Righteous heavenly Father, I bring before Your throne of Grace so and so. . .” God hears both. I cry out in the desperation of my hurting heart and God hears my prayers. Jesus as the mediator and He can unscramble my jumbled words.

I’m learning to be selfless. I am such a selfish person. I do not look out for the needs of others like I should. I do not sacrifice for the good of others near enough. My own comfort needs to mean nothing to me. I am learning that sleep, while I do need it, is not a necessity when I have a friend who needs to talk until 2 in the morning. Or my own wants must be put aside when someone else needs something or needs someone to talk to. Selflessness is a trait I desire. I want to live a selfless life.

I’m learning to read God’s Word. Not, just read it to say I read it, but truly read it to gain something from it. I am learning how powerful it is. It truly does change lives. I’ve seen it time and time again. I always get something out of it. The Word of God will never return void. I am constantly changed by it, that is when I allow the Holy Spirit to convict me and I move on that conviction. I’m learning how much it can encourage a hurting soul, lift up the broken, give peace to the restless and hope to the hopeless.

I’m learning what it means to be a true friend, even when it hurts. Friendship is about give and take. Its about loving someone so much that you are willing to do anything for them. Even if that means I don’t get something I want or need to fulfill something they want or need. Its about telling the truth when it hurts. Its about being willing to listen to the truth when it hurts. Its about being vulnerable, even when you are scared. Its opening up about deep issues and trusting that it won’t be thrown back in your face. Its about really listening to someone. Its about truly hearing what they have to say. Its knowing what they are saying when they say nothing at all. Its saying, “I will stand beside you. I will do everything in my power to help you through this. I know I can’t fix this, but I will stay right here by your side and hold you up. I will hold you literally and I will hold you up before the throne of Grace in prayer to our heavenly Father.” Its about thanking God daily for the wonderful friends He has placed in your life.

I’m learning what it truly means to be a follower of Christ. Its not just about my knowing and believing in His saving work on the Cross. Its about living a life that is honoring and pleasing to Him. Its about being faithful in the little things. Its about letting Christ reign supreme in my life. Its making Him my focal point.

I’m learning what it means to take things one day at a time. Some days, its one hour at a time. Other days, its one minute at a time. Taking things a week at a time or a big chunk at a time only harms me. Its when I take things one day at a time that I can truly enjoy what God had for me.

I’m learning not to worry. Worry hurts me more than it hurts anyone else. I am not to worry. I am to take it all to the Lord. He is the one who can carry it all. My arms aren’t big enough. His arms are everlasting. My heart is big, but His reaches as far as the east is from the west. My back is strong, but God’s back is all powerful and all mighty. He is the only one who can truly “fix” all the problems of the ones that I love.

I am learning to let go. Letting go is a big box. Letting go of the bitter feelings I have towards my dad. Being able to say, I am not going to put up my wall and not let anyone in. Allowing people to see my weaknesses. Its saying, “Guess what? I don’t have it all together all the time. It may seem like I do, but I do not.” Its being ok with not being ok. Its letting go of those that I love and placing them in God’s hands.

Most importantly of all are the small lessons: Its about love. Its about loving without abandon. Its about serving God with all my heart and soul and mind and strength. Its about caring for others. Its about letting the Spirit of God dwell in me and following its leading. Its about not giving up. Its about keeping my head held high eve n when I fail miserably. Its about looking for God in every situation. Its about looking to God in all circumstances. Its about trusting in the Faithful, Loving, Gracious, Merciful, Kind God to do all that He has promised. Its about meeting with Him daily in prayer and bible study. Its about the little things.

Hmm. . . This is really random.

I don't know any more. Meds on board for a week now. I'm more out-of-control than before. Emotions are so dumb. I never know if something should upset me or not upset me. I'm so emotionally unstable. I want stability. I long for stability. "Eventually" they say, "It will come." Eventually is not an actual time. I guess I have noticed a little change, well I didn't, Abby did. She says my moods are leveling out. I'm up longer and down shorter. I have had some good days this week and some bad. About the same number of each. Jenn and I are getting along great. I was finally up front with her, and it opened up a lot. I've been sick for a day. I'm so tired. Its no fun. I got in bed at 8:40 tonight. How lame? I was ready to crash at 8. I did not want too come to bed, but functioning out side of my bed is not an option right now. I'm tired of exhaustion. Where do I go from here? Been to this question so many times, multiple times in the past months, more like almost daily. It was so good to talk to Manda today. I've missed her so much. Absence does make the grow fonder. There is screaming in the hall way. I don't know what is going on. My head hurts. I'm confused. I'm talking to Cinda. I'm waiting for Bethany. I hope she can hold me tonight. I like being held. Never thought I'd say that. But I like it nonetheless. I like that word: nonetheless. Everyone has lost it. The dorm has been crazy this week. My room is really clean for this time of the week. My bed is comfy. My turtle is mostly naked. Lexi is only in her pink Hello Kitty underwear. I got bored so I decided to leave her partial naked. My tummy is making funny noises. I'm hungry. I put my Cars bed sheets back on my bed on Tuesday. I'm kind of cold. I'm excited about my woman's topical message. Its going to be good. I'm tired. I should go to sleep. But I know as soon as I lay my head down, my mind will run run run. I got a 105 on my Hebrews test. Could have gotten at 107 but I missed one. Classic over-achiever. I want to meet my standards. I have high standards. Maybe too high? I want to do well. I want to succeed. All I feel is failure. This is really long.