Friday, December 25, 2009
WARNING: Possible Ranting, Raving and TOTAL CONFUSION
That being said.
I am so tired of feeling like I can not do anything for anyone. I my heart hurts for those I love. I have been sitting back watching the ones I love hurt and anguish over hurts in their hearts. It is in my nature to want to fix it. But I know I can't. That kills me.
I wish I could go like I used to. I want to be able to help those I love and be there for them at the drop of a hat like I used to. I want to be able to go go go go go and not think twice about myself. I feel so selfish most days. I don't like having to take time for myself. I want to be selfless. I want to be able to give myself in every aspect of my life. I want to be like Christ.
I have no idea what this was supposed to be. . . but this is what it is. Take it or leave it.
Friday, December 18, 2009
The Words I Would Say
There is a song that has recently become my go to song. When I am angry, I listen to it to calm me down. When I am hurting, I crank it in my headphones to remind me that God is still there. When I am excited/joyful/happy/ecstatic/you name it, I want to hear it.
Adam: I have you to thank for a ton of what I said about Bethany. If I hadn't had that one conversation with you, I would have never made the decision to open up to her. I would have never opened up to you. You are my boy. I know I can trust you. You can always tell when I am having a hard day. Even when I try to hide it, you can tell and just come and sit by me, knowing I don't want to talk but just need someone to be there beside me. Thank you for being willing to pray with me and give me hugs. Thank you for caring enough about me to "push" me to open up. I am so grateful for your friendship. The thing that I love about you the most is the same as Bethany: You encourage me in my walk with the Lord. You want me to grow and you try to help me do the things I need to.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
It's been awhile
Last but certainly not the least is Whitney Bohannon. I look back and she is the person in my life who knows almost everything about me. She knows me the best out of anyone. She inspires me to grow more in my walk with the Lord. We've had many fun times together: bubbly, movies: HSM3, Hannah Montana, and Mulan, learning the dance to the Hannah Montana Movie song, passing notes when we should have been paying attention, new nicknames (Mi Corazon!!), bed time hugs, bed time songs and fun pictures. Then there were times that were not as much fun, but I won't forget for the rest of my life. There were many late nights Whit and I sat up until the wee hours of the morning talking. Those were some of the hardest I can remember. Most nights at the beginning, I didn't want to talk, but by the end, I was glad I did. I felt so much better after I talked to her. I cannnot imagine where I would be right now if it was not for Whit's godly example in my life.
I look back over the past 9 months of my life and I can not imagine what my life would be like without the influence of the 3 ladies, and many others, but these 3 specifically. Whit has opened so many doors inside me and I am so thankful for her proding and helping me to open up. Jess has shown me its ok to feel. Even though, I'm still learning that lesson. Amy has taught me that its ok not to know how I feel. It's ok to not want to talk about it. All three of them have taught me that it is not good to bottle it all up inside and I need to outlet it somewhere. They have taught me that I am a beautiful young woman. I am totally acceptable in God's eyes. I am loved and accepted. These Godly young women have changed my life in ways that only God could have brought about.
As I look ahead, I see uncertainty. My 3 girls have graduated and are off to start their lives: Jess is going to be married in less than a week, Whit is headed to California to help other girls, just like she helped me and Amy is helping her family out on the ranch. I will be working at Camp Id-Ra-Ha-Je again this summer. Then its back to Frontier to finish out my schooling as a senior. Where after that? I have no clue, but I know the One who does! Well. . . I hope this was a sufficent up date for those who I have not been able to catch up with.
Love,
Jess