WARNING: Possible Ranting, Raving and TOTAL CONFUSION

Let me premise what is about to be said with this: I know that my adequacy comes from Christ and I am not adequate without Him, 2 Corinthians 3:5. I know this fact.

That being said.

I am so tired of feeling like I can not do anything for anyone. I my heart hurts for those I love. I have been sitting back watching the ones I love hurt and anguish over hurts in their hearts. It is in my nature to want to fix it. But I know I can't. That kills me.

I wish I could go like I used to. I want to be able to help those I love and be there for them at the drop of a hat like I used to. I want to be able to go go go go go and not think twice about myself. I feel so selfish most days. I don't like having to take time for myself. I want to be selfless. I want to be able to give myself in every aspect of my life. I want to be like Christ.

I have no idea what this was supposed to be. . . but this is what it is. Take it or leave it.

The Words I Would Say

Music has always touched me. Songs have always been a solace to me. I guess its easier to express my emotions by saying, "Have you heard such and such a song by so and so? Well that is EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now."

There is a song that has recently become my go to song. When I am angry, I listen to it to calm me down. When I am hurting, I crank it in my headphones to remind me that God is still there. When I am excited/joyful/happy/ecstatic/you name it, I want to hear it.

The Words I Would Say

Three in the Morning

And I'm still awake

So I picked a pen and a page

And I started writing

Just what I'd say

If we were face to face

I'd tell you just what you mean to me

I'd tell you these simple truths

Be Strong in the Lord and

Never give up hope

You're gonna do great things

I already know

God's got His hands on you so

Don't live life in fear

Forgive and forget but

Don't forget why you're here

Take your time and pray

These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke

You said you were hurting and

I felt your pain in my heart

I want to tell you that

I keep on praying

Love will find you where you are

I know cause I've already been there

So please hear these simple truths

The first verse its right at home. I have trouble sleeping and am often up at three in the morning. My mind runs constantly. I keep myself so busy during the day that my mind doesn't have time to think so once my head hits the pillow, it turns on to think about everything my mind doesn't want to during the day.

The second verse runs true as well. When ever my friends hurt, whether I've been informed of the hurting by them or not, I hurt with them. It breaks my heart to see the ones I love hurt so bad. The majority of the time there is not a thing in this world I can do to relieve that hurt. So I do three things: 1) I encourage them in the Lord; 2) I hold them;3) I do my best just be there. 1) I try to give them verses that helped me in a similar situation. I also pray for them and with them. 2) My thought is this, "I cannot fix the hurts in your heart so I will bold you as long as you need me too. No matter how long you need me, I am here for the long haul." 3) There are so many times in my own life that I am hurting and no words can change it. As a matter of fact, words often make things worse. There are times when I need someone to just come sit with me. I know this rings true with others. So I tell them, "I'm here for you. We don't have to talk. I don't have to know what is going on. I will sit here and silently pray for you until the hurt has passed or you are ready to talk."

All that being said, on to the last semester. The last four months have been one of the biggest if not the biggest roller coasters I've ever been on. I am sorry to say, most of it was caused by my own stupidity. My own uncertainties, my own pride, my own issues.

As I sit and look back, hindsight is 20/20. Had I not been so wrapped up in myself and being a punk/jerk things could be so different right now. I do love where things are. I've been come so close to a few people: Bethany and Adam.

Bethany: I know I've told you these things many times before, but the impact you've had on my life all semester is phenomenal. I cannot thank you enough for not giving up on me. I was such a punk for the first half of the semester. But you never gave up trying to reach out to me. Your persistance paid off. The countless times you asked how you could be praying for me, all the notes you left one my door, all the questions: they all stuck with me, until the night God finally broke me down and I came to you and spilled my guts. The times we have had together since then have been amazing. All the nights you have tucked me and and cuddled with me, the nights you took care of me when I was sick, the times you came and and just sat with me when I didn't know how to express how I felt will never be forgotten. But the thing I love about you the most is this: You encourage me to grow spiritually. You ask me about devos and what I am learning. You want to see me grow. I'm so grateful to God for Him placing you in my life! I can't wait to make more memories next semester.

Adam: I have you to thank for a ton of what I said about Bethany. If I hadn't had that one conversation with you, I would have never made the decision to open up to her. I would have never opened up to you. You are my boy. I know I can trust you. You can always tell when I am having a hard day. Even when I try to hide it, you can tell and just come and sit by me, knowing I don't want to talk but just need someone to be there beside me. Thank you for being willing to pray with me and give me hugs. Thank you for caring enough about me to "push" me to open up. I am so grateful for your friendship. The thing that I love about you the most is the same as Bethany: You encourage me in my walk with the Lord. You want me to grow and you try to help me do the things I need to.

I have no doubt that God had been working in my life this semester despite my rotten attitude and pride. I'm so excited to get back to FSB and see what God has instore for next semester.

Until next time,

Jessi

2 Peter 3:18