I'm being watched

Today at work I was reminded of one principle: my kids are looking to me for how to live. I brought one of my little girls in, three year old Hannah, in to do the computer work with me. I put her on my lap and as I was signing kids in and out for the day. She and I sat and we talked about her weekend and giggled together. Next thing I know she tapping on the desk. She was imitating me typing on the computer. She was watching everything I was doing.

It was a humbling yet sobering thought. She was watching me all the time. Meaning I need to be on my game all the time. The habits they see me doing, they will imitate and possibly carry on with them in their lives.

So let me ask you this...if little eyes were watching you, would you want them repeating what you were doing?

The Effective Prayer of a Righteous Woman

James 5:16b says, "The effective prayer of a righteous man accomplishes much." I'm not sure I consider myself a righteous woman. Actually, I am a dirty rotten sinner. God has saved me by His grace. I am not perfect by any means. I am just a simple servant of God trying to live how He wants me to live.
This past week my heart has been so burdened for others. I know so many people who are hurting and crying out for healing. My heart broke hearing others being so broken and beaten down. But here is the thing: I can not do a thing about these hurts on my own. That's where the idea came. I know the only One who can do anything for all these hurting people.
The original idea was to pray through the night. I didn't make it through the entire night, but the three and a half hours I spent with my Heavenly Father were PHENOMENAL. Part of the time I journaled my prayers, the other part, I poured out my heart to my Abba.
Here are some of the things I have gained from this experience.

• First, I cannot even begin to fathom how much my God cares for me and those I love. If I care so much for these people, imagine how much God's heart breaks when we wander from Him or how much joy He has when we come back to Him.
• Second, God wants to hear from me. Not only that, He says, "Come to me. I am all you need. I am the only one who can truly satisfy You. Nothing I created can complete you like I can. Just come to me."
• Thirdly, I need to be in prayer. Now don't get me wrong, I pray multiple times a day. But not often do I set aside complete blocks of time to spend just in prayer with my Creator. From now on I will be making a concious effort to set aside time each week to spend this time with God.

Yahweh,

You are so amazing. I am forever grateful for all the blessings you have placed in my life. You created me to serve You. Help me to be faithful. Give me the strength to focus on You. Help me to obey You and You only.

Your precious Daughter,

Jessi

From a Familiar Place

Coming home after a trip is always like a breath of fresh air. No more car, no more stiff muscles. The ability to move around when I want to. I loved this last road trip. The guys I was with were great. The trip itself was wonderful. But in the back of my mind, it was racing with thoughts:

"How can I make a difference?"
"I want to be more godly. How do I become more godly?"
"I'm so wretched. How could God ever want to use such a wicked person?"
"Everyone thinks I am such a "good" person, but they don't see the evil lurking inside me."

I've been reading in the Psalms. God tells His people what to do. Its been great to see what God expects of me. But in the other side of the same coin, Its hard to see because I see just how far I fall short. This makes me so grateful for the cross. God sees me through the blood of Jesus Christ. He sees past my imperfections and see the nail scarred hands of Jesus.

I'm in the process of reading a book called Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire. Its a book about the Brooklyn Tabernacle church and its revival centered around prayer. Most people see me as someone who prays. And I do pray, but do my prayers reflect what I believe? More importantly, do I believe that the God I am praying can and will answer my prayers? That is big thing. I need to be believing that.

All I have to do is ask. God tell me ask and I will provide. God says He will provide for those whose hope is in Him. Is my hope in Him? I say it is. Well, its time to put my faith into action.

God,
I'm not good enough. I have nothing in me that is good. Help me to have a greater faith in You. Help me to live a life that is separate from evil and wickedness. Help me to better walk the walk I talk. Give me faith to pray to you every day! Not only pray, but pray believing that You will answer and provide in the way You see fit. I love you. You are my only hope. Help me to live every day to serve you more.
Love,
Your princess,
jessi

Imagine This

"Abraham was now old and well advanced in years, and the Lord had blessed him in every way."

Imagine having the Lord bless you in every way. God didn't just bless Abraham in his family or in his work. He blessed Abraham in everything. Why? In my study of Genesis, the only reason I can see for God blessing Abraham, was Abraham's obedience to the call of God on his life.

As I was thinking about this, my first thought was, "Man I wish God blessed me like this!" But as I sit here typing, a verse came to my mind. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places," Ephesians 1:3. I am blessed like Abraham. I just choose not to acknowledge it.

God,
Help me to acknowledge all the wonderful blessings You have given me. Help me to rest in all You have done for me.
Love,
Your daughter,
jessi

Prayer

I am embarking on a journey to discover the why and how of prayer. I am excited to see what God has to teach me through this situation.

God,
Please teach me all about prayer. Draw me near to You. Impress on my heart something that I can share with the students at church.
Love,
Your Daughter
Jessi

I Found the Words for What I am Feeling!

In the last few days, I have had this wonderful feeling of peace. I know its from God. I have this fire that I haven't really been able to describe until now.

I don't really know how long forever is,
but that's how long I'm gonna live my life.
Everuthing I face, it tries to tear me down.
No I won't back away from the sacrifice.
I won't forget what You're love means to me.
You're always there to light my way

When all the lights go down and the world is quiet
no one is around,
I wanna be the same man (woman) that will serve you then
like I serve you now.
That my convictions never change;
O let my need for You remain,
as real as the moment I was saved:
I will always stand amazed.

Sometimes my heart desires such selfish things.
When the moment comes, help me trust
something better You have for me.
If I could just hold on to You long enough.
I won't forget what You're love means to me.
You're always there to light my way

When all the lights go down and the world is quiet,
no one is around,
I wanna be the same man (woman) that will serve You then
like I serve You now.
That my convictions never change;
O let my need for You remain,
as real as the moment I was saved:
I will always stand amazed.

You will be my strength when I am weak.
When I wanna give in and not turn the other cheek,
let this be the prayer that I speak:

When all the lights go down and the world is quiet,
no one is around,
I wanna be the same man (woman) that will serve You then
like I serve You now.
That my convictions never change;
O let my need for You remain,
as reak as the moment I was saved:
I WILL ALWAYS STAND AMAZED

I want to always stand amazed at all that God has done for me.
End of story.

Gripped by His Grace,
Jessi

The Hurt Before the Healing

I have sat down numerous times to write this post. It's been hard coming. Normally, I can just sit down and write, but lately, nothing has been coming. Its not because there is nothing there, because it has been on my mind constantly.

So here it goes. . .
The more I think about life, the more life I live, the more I realize how little I know. I want to be different. I want people to see me and wonder what or Who makes me differe. The more I desire that, the more I realize how truly wretched I am. When I look at myself through my eyes, all I see is sin, dirtiness, wickedness, the ugliness and the imperfections. Its so easy to focus on those things. Its what I see when I look at myself through my eyes. But then I remember: I am different! I have been redeemed. Jesus Christ died on the cross to pay for my sins; He died so I could LIVE!
I now have the Holy Spirit living inside me. That enables me to be different. It means I AM different! But only when I yield to the Spirits leading. Its such a hard thing to do. My flesh says, "Do what you want. Make yourself feel good. Ignore what is right and wrong. Do what you think is right." But my heart says differently. It says, "Be different. Let Christ rule in you and it will be far greater than what your flesh says." What a tug-of-war!

This summer has been far from easy. Now don't get me wrong, there were many fun times this summer. But my summer was mostly characterized by struggle and hurt. The summer started out great! I thought, for once, that I finally had most things under control. I was close to God, pretty close to my good friends, and I was making new friends a PBC. So I thought to myself, "I'm doing pretty good. Its been a while since I felt this good." Then the illusion came crashing down in one email. Things I thought had been taken care of had not been. Things I thought had been forgiven had not been.
It was an eye-opening email. It hurt me more than words could ever describe. But any of you who read this and know me, know that I did my absolute best to hide the pain I was in. Soon after I received the email, my attitude went down the toilet. I was snippy and surly and some days I was just down right mean. I was dealing with all the pain the best I knew how: to hide my pain and throw myself into serving even if my motives were wrong (which they were).
I've tried so hard to reconcile with that friend and to this day it hasn't happened. I pray every day that it will. God had to completely break me so that I would have no where else to go but to run crying into His arms and cry on His shoulder.
This summer, I learned forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a feeling, but an action. It is a conscious choice that I make even if I don't feel like forgiving. My feelings will follow my actions. My actions should not and must not be dictated by my feelings. I learned that God is the only one who can fill me. I know that I have run to others in the past to fill the "God shaped whole inside of me" and I know that was wrong. I must constantly be thinking of others before myself. Its not about me. First its all about Jesus, then others and then me.

I'm working on changing. Its not going to happen overnight. Slowly but surely, Jesus is changing me.